Go Ninja Go Ninja Go

Trevor, a bulging buff young guy with big pearly whites and a great tan, scopes out the hotel pool deck for bikini-clad ladies. Just when he thinks he’s hit it off with the perfect girl, her smile reveals her super yellow teeth and scares him off.

My dorm neighbors, who are Ugandan twins, thought I was gay. I’m not, but they were suspicious. They saw my drunk friend in his boxers at two o’clock in the morning yelling outside the hall “Where the hell is the bathroom Trevy baby?” I drunkenly stuck my bare-chested torso out the door and replied “over there.” I was about to duck back inside when my eyes met my neighbor’s, who were just stoic. We stared at each other and I sheepishly smiled at them to get a response, but there was nothing. I closed the door and immediately felt the Ugandan’s judgment.

 It only got worse. The next week I was using the bathroom in the hall. I was plucking my unibrow like any normal guy does. Right? I was butt naked bent over a sink with tweezers, pulling out the little hairs when the door opened. I forgot to lock it! It was one of the brothers and he just stared at me. I went to the door to try and close it which scared the man because from his perspective it looked like I was trying to hug him. He uttered the words “no” and slammed the door. I locked it and pressed my back to the closed off entry way. They definitely will think I’m gay now.

 I think about the conversation they had right after that incident.

 “Brother that was a quick pee.”

 “I did not pee because the goofy looking gay man tried to get me.”

 The other brother sets his knife and wood block on the desk. “What?”

 “I opened the door and he was waiting for me like a baboon in heat. He tried to wrap his skinny arms around me and I told him “no.”

 “Good job brother.”

 “Thank you brother, continue your wood widdling.”

 After the morning incident I decided to get a haircut, because for some odd reason this always puts me in a good mood. I think I enjoy it because of the transformation that happens. You can become a new person if you want to.

 I walk into the hipster barbershop and wait my turn.

 “Trevor.”

 I look up and a very effeminate Pilipino hairdresser is calling my name.

 “Hi I’m Trevor.”

 He looks me up and down and says “I’m Phillip and we’re coordinating.”

 “What?”

 “Lakers colors silly.”

 Phillip the Pilipino hairdresser was correct. I was wearing a purple shirt and he was wearing a yellow…sequenced shirt. I sat down in his chair and he drapes a cape over my body.

 “I would like a buzz cut today.”

 He shakes his head. “I’m not going to give you a buzz cut. I’m going to give you a man’s hair cut and we can work from there.”

 As he cuts my hair I learn that Phillip is an armature figure skater and just does hair cuts on the side.

 “There are so many enjoyable things about this job that you don’t find in skating.”

 “Like what?”

 “Like talking and looking at the hot guys I’m working on.”

 I’m dead silent starring at Phillip in the mirror. The pause is broken when he says

 “Just kidding…partially”

 Phillip winks at me and continues the transformation. Thoughts dart through my head.

 “Why is this happening to me?”“Why does everyone think I’m gay?”“Just because I like musical theater doesn’t mean I like men…or does it?”

The rest of the hair cut is in silence and I’m anticipating my departure when I start to hear a buzzing. Phillip has an electric massager and begins to work my neck.

 “What are you doing?”

 “You seem tense, relax.”

 It starts with the neck and then moves to my shoulders. He slowly starts moving the device over my arms and before I know it Phillip is massaging my chest. Is this usual protocol for customers? Before I know it he is massaging my scalp and for some unknown reason I start to laugh. Maybe it’s because of the absurdity or how I’m getting worked up over something so silly? Maybe my subconscious mind decided to laugh at what the universe was throwing my way?

 “Oh someone is ticklish!”

 He starts to massage my head even more which makes me laugh harder. Phillip starts to giggle and before I know it we are both in hysterics.

 The door opens and my eyes meet a very stoic looking pair of eyes. These eyes belong to the Ugandan that walked in on me this morning. My smile disappears and I see him just shake his head.

FUCK! Now I’m positive he thinks I’m gay.

I’m going fo free! This is crazy weird and didn’t want to post this on Facebook. I’m nervous and excited. I hope this will be an experience where I go and I have some deep realization about life or I learn something about myself. I want an epiphany!

My bodybuilding girlfriend’s name is Jeanette and she is buff. She is five feet and six inches tall and weighs 182 lbs. We met believe it or not at the gym. I was having trouble lifting the dumbbells and she came up behind me and started spotting. She smelled like sweat and protein powder. She growled in my ear asking if I wanted to buy her a protein bar and I nodded “yes.” I knew Jeanette was the one when she carried me to my car because I sprained my ankle on the stairs to the gym entrance. She carries me a lot. I tell her it’s cute and it’s exercise.

            Do I mind not being the man in the relationship? I’ll answer that question with another question. Do I mind cleaning the apartment and cooking her chicken breast and egg whites for every meal? Nope. I’m getting really good at cooking and I feel like a puppy when its owner comes home. I run to the front door and hop into her arms and kiss her like a good boy. I’m a good boy. She tickles my belly and we share a laugh.

I love this woman! I propose to Jeanette by hiding the ring in her protein bar. She eats it by accident, but I retrieved it. Jeanette is so excited about the news she starts doing push-ups. I get on her back and she keeps on going. My fiancé is a champ and I’m the gold medal.

“I’m hungry mama” said the seven year old boy at the breakfast table. “Yeah me too mom” noted the 10 year old sister. The mother replied cooking over the stove “okay kids be patient.”

She dumped the eggs and bacon from the pan onto one large plate and carried it to the table. “Open up your mouths now. I don’t want anything falling on the floor,” said the mother. The children placed their napkins in their shirts and opened their mouths as wide as they could. The mother shoveled some bacon and eggs in her mouth and started chewing. She spit the first load into the girl’s mouth. “Hey” cried out the little boy. “Ladies first BJ” reminded the mother to her son. The boy placed his hand on his face and muttered “I wish I was a girl sometimes.” The mother chuckled at the thought of her little BJ wearing a dress. She scooped some breakfast into her mouth and after it was chewed up properly she let it ooze out of her mouth into her son’s hole. “Mmmmmmm” said the pleased boy.

Dr. Pollup walked into the kitchen at this point and said “Good morning family.” His wife rushed up and kissed her husband. “Oh we are having eggs and bacon today,” said the husband after the kiss. “I know you hate porridge,” winked the wife. “Mom I want some milk!” yelled the boy. The mother started to take off her apron as she headed for the glass.

Oh no, oh no, oh no. I’m in the Temple of Doom. This is not good. This is a terrible Monday. I thought I would wear my Hawaiian lei to work today to try and make Monday more bearable, but the boss man did not like that. The boss man doesn’t like anything nice. I remember when Rafiki wore a blue turban to work instead of a white one and the boss man ripped his heart out of his chest. That won’t happen to me. Will it? Man that would be a shity Monday.

            The guards drag me in front of everyone and strap me to a metal cage. The cage is warm which is nice cause I hate putting my bare skin on cold metal. This is going to be embarrassing. The boss man is going to tear me a new one in front of all my co-workers. Great! I don’t even want to hear what Upendar and Jayshankar say at the watering hole tomorrow. “You sure got torn a new one up there.” “Nice lei stupid.” I hate those guys.

            The boss walks out. He looks real bad today. All black and a horn helmet. Doesn’t he know it is summer? Then he starts chanting. Crap. This isn’t the “I’m going to rip you a new one” chant. This is the “I’m going to rip your heart out” chant. I start praying for some unknown reason. I’m not even religious, but I do it anyway cause the only other option is peeing myself. I’m not going to give Jayshankar and Upendar that satisfaction.

            He does it quick. My heart is torn out of my chest and is pumping in his hand. I’m still alive. This is similar to the time when Ayesha dumped me on the year of the Elephant. She tore my heart out too, yet I still was alive. That Ayesha was a real monkey in heat.

            It starts to get warm as they lower me into the lava pit. I like the heat, but this is too hot. I’m sweating up a storm. Whoo! As the lava touches my skin I think to myself to never wear a lei to work again.

I’ve been here for two hours. At this time my fingers look like my grandpa’s. My grandpa was in the war. My favorite war is the civil war because of Abraham Lincoln. The sixteenth president of the United States of America was really tall. Being tall must be fun because when you play basketball you can dunk. Dunkin donuts sounds really good right now. “Now” is one of my favorite cds because it has a variety of artists. The Artist won the Acadamy Award last night.

“Last night, she said. Oh baby I feel so down, when you turn me off.” “Off off off with her head. Dance dance dance till your dead.” My grandpa is dead and Abraham Lincoln is dead too. A tutu is worn by ballerinas or gay men on Halloween. What am I gonna dress up as this year? The Artist from the movie would be timely. How long have I been in here? Two hours and thirty minutes is getting there. They’re making a baby in the other room. This bathroom is really nice in here. I hear everything, including the clock. Two hours and thirty-one minutes and counting. “One, two, skip a few, ninty-nine, one hundred bottles of beer on the brick in the wonder wall.” Wall-E is a great movie. I want to movey on out of this tub before three hours hits.